diversion.

(for coloreds only)

we are sequestered in the balcony, a nest
of blackbirds, pecking kettle corn. you call
me your candy apple as sweat rolls down
the long, cool necks of our colas. in the dark,

i can hear the wiry whisk of your beard, thin
fingers flitting absently against your chin, the
futile whir of fans. onscreen, a phonograph
churns Billie’s gravelly alto upward. as it wafts
toward the rafters, you turn and whisper:

junkies have the most beautiful voices.

i watch, as filmic light softens the lines
of your face, and fleetingly forget integration.

combat.

i felt your face, disfigured,
kissed the pleats of keloid
puckering your jaws. you
were cold, flushed with
camphor and distance.

my mother warned of this,
not long after you enlisted:
war transmogrifies the men
and suffocates the wives
with silence.

i know now. i am not the
balm we thought i’d be.

you twitch in your sleep:
reflex, regret. your body a
hollowed rind. when sleep
rescinds, i press an ear
to your rib and listen
for farsi or fruit.

Loss.

When I was three, I had an imaginary friend named Silas. He was tall. I can’t remember his ethnicity. He didn’t talk much. He wasn’t the kind of imaginary friend you pinned your indiscretions on. He was just your run-of-the-mill road dog, the very necessary playmate of an only child in a house full of women.

My mother still chuckles recalling how I’d walk away from her in a huff, lifting my tiny hand to reach up and grasp his, saying, “Come on, Silas….”

I miss him.

Of Stares and Scowls and Tongue-Biting.

During my eighth grade school year, I fancied myself a militant. This was my third year as a student at Deer Park Middle School, which I (perhaps inaccurately) remember as about 40% Jewish, 50% Black, and 10% White and “Other” (shout-out to Jason Chang!).

These were my first years dealing with significant racial difference. Until sixth grade, my schools were predominantly Black (all three of them). In retrospect, I took racial acceptance as a matter of fact. Before Deer Park, I didn’t know anything about people scooting away from me on a picnic style lunch bench so as not to be mistaken for sitting with the Black kid(s) or watching girls practically draw straws to see which unlucky one of them would have to share a double bed with the Black chick on the overnight student council conference field trip.

These days, I know I was fortunate. Deer Park was evenly mixed. I could’ve been like my friend, Tab, who grew up in upstate New York and was one of about 10-15 kids classified as Other throughout her entire pre-college tenure.

But at the time, I could recognize no such good fortune.

I commandeered the backs of school buses, in my quiet way, spouting off conspiracy theories about how The Man “didn’t like to see Black folks succeed” and ticking off the names of Black inventors, all, “Know your history, fam.”

Then, Spike Lee’s X opened in November of that year and our school rented a local theatre to screen it for the entire 8th grade class. My friend Earl’s mom chaperoned and at the end, when many of the girls were weeping and sniffling as Denzel dropped in a blaze of glory, she handed out tissue to us all. I wasn’t crying, though. I was scowling.

Was I angry at the white kids who’d squirmed uncomfortably, as the Black kids applauded when Malcolm told the enthusiastic blonde there was nothing she could do to further his cause? Nah. I hadn’t even joined in the applause. I think I was angry I’d just watched a reenactment of a man’s assassination at the hands of his own people. I was angry he’d shut Betty down with a, “Don’t raise your voice in my house!” I was angry at how little I knew, how little we all knew, about our very complicated past. There were no easy fixes, and I was beginning to suspect that anger, in the long-run, would be pretty ineffective. And that made me angry, too.

When my run at Deer Park ended, so did my armchair activism. The following year, I landed at Milford Mill Academy, a 90% Black high school if ever I saw one. All was right with the world again. My college was about 60% Black and it was in DC. After that? Four years in predominantly Black Baltimore and two tripping through the deliciously eclectic boroughs of New York***.

It wasn’t until I moved to Grand Rapids in the August of 2007 that I had to contend with that angry, defensive, silently militant part of myself again. I’d forgotten how tiresome she was and how exasperating it is to be perpetually reminded of your race, through the callow stares of gaping-mouthed five-year-olds unaccustomed to the sight of Blacks outside of Fresh Prince on Nick at Nite.

Before I moved here, I didn’t have to think about the pervasiveness of White flight in 2009. (Moving to the deliberately homogeneous suburb of Rockford because you *want* your kid to be so ignorant of difference that she can’t hide her shock when I announce myself as her professor on her first day as a college freshman? Not. Cool.)

I don’t like being side-eyed. I don’t like small children ducking behind their mothers’ skirts when my six-foot-seven uncle walks by. I don’t like when their parents shush them when they say things like, “He’s so BLACK!” (as though they can’t imagine where the kid learned to use intensifiers when discussing race). I don’t like feeling defensive or wondering if I should attribute seemingly run-of-the-mill rudeness to racism. (Fortunately, though, I’m slightly better equipped to handle these things now, than I was as an eighth-grader.)

Hyper-vigilance is so wearying. I’m growing sicker of myself and race and offense with every sentence I type—but as long as I live in a city where Blackness makes me not only a minority, but noticeably unwelcome, these kinds of musings will make their way to print.

Be glad I’m not thirteen anymore, or else I’d be subjecting you to a comprehensive biographical sketch on Jan Ernst Matzeliger.

*** I should note that my years at SLC were actually the precursor to Militant Stacia’s reemergence. Bronxvillean white folks are a real trip….

They Got Down, Ramsey and Safiya.

They got down, Ramsey and Safiya, like their fathers had before them. They weren’t stars, but they were hood-revered (inasmuch as such status is achievable). In their early twenties, after Safiya got back from college in Vermont and Ramsey finished his second bid, they’d stalk the streets together, passing liquor stores and chicken shacks, and the corner boys nodded their respect, and the hoe stroll became a chorus of, “Hey, girl!”s for Safiya, and the cops stopped them regularly on the grounds of general suspicion.

But then Safiya began to die and they learned that respect was not the currency it used to be.

Ramsey and Safiya met in a dampened sandbox, when Safiya pointed a pudgy finger at Ramsey and christened him Pee-Pee Boy. The name stuck till sixth grade, when Ramsey lost his virginity to Big-Boob Tina in the closet of the classroom where Miss Griffiths kept her albino chinchilla. After that, nobody said anything about Ramsey that wasn’t prefaced with dap—nobody, of course, except for Safiya, who had to remind everyone that Big-Boob Tina was supposed to be in ninth and was therefore too dumb to be discriminating.

“You were cold back then,” Ramsey chuckled, hovering over Safiya’s hospital bed.

“Don’t you have a life you need to tend to?” she muttered.

“… and not much has changed.” He smirked before backing away from her and settling into the chair closest to the window.

They were squad and had been for all 28 years of their lives. But to Ramsey’s chagrin, that was all they were. A Black Forrest-and-Jenny: Ramsey, simple and pining; Safiya, callous and deigning to let him pine.

A nurse in teddy bear-laden scrubs flounced in to take Safiya’s vitals. Her blonde ponytail bobbed and swung like a bungee cord as she moved from the saline drip to the monitor that displayed Safiya’s blood pressure.

“116 over 78! Not to worry; that’s perfectly normal,” the nurse chirped, patting Safiya’s shoulder. “Dr. Daniels says your T-cell count–”

“He doesn’t need to know all that,” Safiya snapped, nodding her head in Ramsey’s direction. “They’re my vitals.”

“Oh! I know, but–”

“Isn’t there some kind of… confidentiality thing in place here?”

“Well, yes, certainly, but–”

“We’re not related. I don’t need you disclosing private medical information to him.”

“I’m very sorry. I–”

“Look…” Ramsey cut in, reading the whiteboard where Teddy Bear Scrubs had written her name during shift change. “Kimmie. Could you get Miss Turner some water, please? With extra ice?”

When she was gone, Ramsey laughed. “Yo,” he said, shaking his head. He reached into a pocket and pulled out a chew stick, shoving it between his right molars.

“Did she touch me?” Safiya demanded. “Did she have her hand on my shoulder?”

“I’ll tell her.” He used the voice that soothed her: firm, even, baritone.

She nuzzled her head into the flattened pillows. “I hate when they’re chipper.”

“I know.”

A Word Against Realism of Place.

I don’t drive.

This admission used to cause me a great deal of chagrin, especially during my early 20s, when everyone was zipping up and down freeways in their toy cars, visiting high school and college buddies at their varied new locations and seeing parts of the country to which I might never be privy. “Driving is freedom,” no fewer than fifteen folks have assured me during the course of my life, and I’m inclined to believe them.

Nonetheless, I am not in possession of a driver’s license. I’ve had five learner’s permits, but no license, and frankly, I’m not certain that this reality will change soon. I’ve come to terms with my life as a passenger-pedestrian. It is not without its advantages. Of course, it’s not without its massive setbacks, either.

Aside from the obvious inconveniences (like the zigzagging, counterproductive slalom of bus routes or having to wake up two hours earlier to make an appointment than would be necessary with a car), there are subtler and more embarrassing non-driver side effects (though admittedly, my case is probably more severe than most).

For starters, I rarely know where I am, at any given moment. One of the joys of being the perpetual passenger is that you don’t have to pay attention to things like street names and traffic patterns. You can observe the clandestine transactions belying complicated street corner handshakes. And you can stare sadly at the toddler riding his Big Wheel down the sidewalk at 1 am. You can marvel at the gopher-sized rat tipping through an alley. And you’re the one who sees the girls jump off the bus, throw down their backpacks, and yank each other’s weave away from their scalps.

For the storyteller, riding is a cinematic experience. When I’m in a car or bus or train, I’m more concerned with landmarks–the Popeyes with the half-lit marquee, advertising “imp dinners,” for instance–than with cross-streets. I can tell you about the Latino little person cursing out his five-foot-five Black girlfriend, but I can’t tell you whether I saw that on Fulton or Freemont.

In Baltimore, I know that there’s a Billie Holiday statue in the courtyards of some subsidized housing. I can’t tell you the name of the housing or the name of the street on which it sits. But I can tell you that, at the height of Baltimore’s “Believe” campaign, someone stuck a “BELIEVE” bumper sticker on Billie’s waist, like a belt-buckle.

All my memories are this way. The incidents hover above their locations and I’m at a loss as to how I should realistically ground them.

In my writing, there’s little solution for the displaced incident. If I wanted to set a story in Baltimore, where I grew up, I’d feel tremendous pressure to authenticate the experiences, to couch them within a very real, very well-described location. I would be preoccupied with an accuracy that wouldn’t be organic. I’d have to catch a bus or a ride to the site of my narrative to get the streets right, to get the store locations square, to describe the rowhome faces in a way that proves to the reader that they’re the exact and actual homes situated at Auchenteroly Terrace.

Were I that devoted to accuracy, I’d write more nonfiction. I’d also pay more attention to where I am, even if it meant missing the imagery. And, maybe, I’d make a bigger deal of learning to drive.

Instead, I write stories that occur in fictional or unnamed cities, where I can be the authority of place and, hopefully, the reader will find me a reliable navigator.

This wouldn’t be a problem if the worlds were vivid, fleshed out, and believable–or if I were a fantasy/sci-fi writer. But often, my story locations are as vague as the ones in my real-life memories. And, because good writing is a sublime fusion of plot, character, setting and countless other elements, there’s a delicate balance to be achieved and too much focus on convincing an audience of place will distract the reader from the larger story.

I still favor the unnamed location. I trust the settings I sculpt so much more than my cloudy perceptions of real places.

Maybe I just need a very, very good book on setting, with writing prompts and technique suggestions. If you know of any, comment below.

Constants for the Wanderer: Mute Math.

I first saw Mute Math in concert at The Knitting Factory, not long after I moved to New York.  I was so excited, I think I might have completely lamed out and worn a band t-shirt. I knew there was a distinct possibility that I’d be the only Black person there and I didn’t care. My live experience with this band had been years in the making and I wasn’t going to flake because of any race-related awkwardness. The fact was: I knew I belonged there. I belonged there so much, my skin prickled with goosebumps when I walked into the venue.

That I love this band is a given. They’re great showmen. Paul Meany used to do handstands on an organ at their shows. Just because. Darren duct-tapes headphones around his head during sound check, because he’s such a spastic, frenetic drummer that they’d likely fly off if they weren’t secured. Roy has an unflappable cool whether singing back-up, plucking an upright, playing bass or banging drumsticks on the sides of speakers. Greg has an open, earnest face at which you can’t help but stare when he open shows with the battle cry at the beginning of “Collapse.”

These men are an electric spectacle.

But my affinity for them goes far beyond their showmanship or their lyrics or their instrumentation (all of which are remarkable in limitless ways). You see, like Desmond Hume is to Daniel Faraday on Lost, this band is one of my Constants.

Truly, I’ve told myself on many a day, “If anything goes wrong, Mute Math will be my Constant.”

In the years leading up to the fateful move to New York that brought me face to face with my favorite band of all time, I was going through a painful separation. From my church. That’s a long, different story and one I won’t belabor here, but by the time I started grad school, I wasn’t regularly attending any church and wasn’t in any particular rush to find one after relocating.

The fact was: even when I attended church three times a week, which I’d done for the majority of my youth, I’d always felt like a bit of a misfit. For starters, I wanted to be a fiction writer—and not the kind who writes morality plays or romances where some reprobate finds faith through his love for a righteous woman. I wanted to write stories about women fighting over the death of a crack addict they’d both taken as a lover or tales about a biracial Canadian who infiltrates a slave plantation or simply stories about girls who drink beer and don’t wait until they’re married. And that didn’t really bode well for the pursuit of holiness.

So I hid my dreams of writing mainstream fiction (or my dreams of becoming a Professional Liar, depending on your point of view, I guess), and I wrote spiritual, spoken word poetry instead.

In the ’90s, rapid-fire spoken word was the thing. I came of age before the Love Jones trend hit the pulpit, so what I was writing seemed intriguing and anomalous to congregants. I penned critical poems about the trappings of materialism and greed and how true religion and undefiled before God was more about tending to the fatherless, widowed, hungry, sick, and afflicted than about building massive infrastructures within which to hold exorbitantly priced, cliché-laden mega-conferences.

People would clap at the end, but I felt largely unheard. In the intervening years, I realized that I was, in fact, noticed, if not wholly heard (and to be fair, I was quite difficult to follow with my mumbly, super-swift delivery and my inaccessible vocabulary). I’m still asked if I write these kinds of poems, poems that I felt were rebellious, anti-establishment, locust-and-honey-filled rallying cries. I do not. And mostly, I’m okay with that.

But even though I left my church and started writing whatever I wanted, rather than solely focusing on what would be acceptable to utter in front of an altar, I’ve always retained a reverence and concern for my faith and its survival—and that reverence and concern isn’t always easy to maintain.

Enter Mute Math. Well, no. Enter Earthsuit.

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The Incomparable Jessie Redmon Fauset.

I’m fairly certain that I first encountered the work of Jessie Redmon Fauset in early high school. Someone had bought me an anthology called Revolutionary Tales: African American Women’s Short Stories, from the First Story to the Present. Her short story, “Emmy,” was nestled somewhere between the writings of Pauline E. Hopkins and Ann Petry and after a while, it became the only story I re-read. In fact, I read it again and again and again—as voraciously as I would’ve read a missive from a bygone love. It was almost novella-length, which appealed to me, because of my own tendency to write overlong short stories, and because of the subject matter (and all its attendant melodrama).

“Emmy” is about the titular character’s perfect, almost smug satisfaction with her deep brown skin color (a satisfaction  achieved after years of ostracism and ridicule) and the turmoil it causes when her childhood sweetheart, Archie, grows up and reluctantly decides to pass. Archie is described as olive-skinned and, even as a child, he laments his inability to be easily identified as one race or the other. Emmy’s mother is graceful, fashionable, intellectual, and proud and shapes her young daughter into a woman with the same qualities. Archie, before leaving home to seek his fortune in architecture, proposes to Emmy, who accepts in what seems a near-fit of ecstasy, and off he goes with promises to claim her in a year, when he’s certain he’ll have made a name for himself.

Archie does make a name for himself, of course, but he does so by allowing his employers to believe he’s white. On holiday, he tries to bring Emmy to his Philadelphian haunts but soon, they both realize that he’s trying to hide her. When they encounter his boss on one of their strolls, it becomes painfully clear to Emmy how Archie’s been spending his year. Emmy, devastated, ends their engagement and returns home, sick with disappointment and betrayal.

The story doesn’t end there, but it may as well. Themes of color complication emerge in most, if not all, of Fauset’s fiction and regardless of whether she decides to neatly resolve those complications with a happy ending or opts for the much more satisfying open-ended character-haunting, ultimately race is the thing. It’s what makes her work so singular and analytical. It’s what makes her characters so hateful or lovable.

I recently, finally, read her last novel, Comedy: American Style, the darkest of all her works (no pun intended, although… cool pun. lol). The novel seems erratic in focus, divided as it is into acts, one of which focuses on a tertiary character at a time when I really just wanted to stay with the main folks. But ultimately, it’s about a light-skinned family with one dark skinned son and a matriarch who can neither stand him nor claim him, simply because he’s unable to pass. The rest of the family hides from him the true reason for his mother’s coldness: her desperate, toxic quest for whiteness. But their attempt to shelter him backfires with devastating results.

Fauset fascinates me. All her work is about upper-middle-class Black families of varying skin colors, negotiating their places in society. There’s something Victorian about her writing, full as it is of gentlemen callers, unrequited loves, high-stakes misunderstandings, hidden or altered identities, and clandestine passion. She wrote very formally; her work seems quite prim compared to contemporaries like Zora, who of course, merrily peppered her stories with dialect and who wrote about characters who were far from upper-middle-class.

As we know, Zora emerges as the hero in black literary history: an anthropologist who captured and exposed our folklore, the novelist who gave us Janie and Tea Cake, the queen of Eatonville, Florida.

But Fauset’s no slouch. She was the first African American woman to graduate from Cornell University–and the first African American women to graduate in Phi Beta Kappa. She earned certification from the Sorbonne. She was the literary editor of The Crisis for seven years–and did all the magazine’s translation in French, which was vital to their coverage of the annual Pan-African Conferences. She retired as a schoolteacher in ’44 and died of heart failure in ’61.

Why don’t we hear more about her? I wonder, for instance, what she did during that post-retirement decade. I wonder what it was like for her to lose her mother as a little girl, then watch her father remarry (and to a white woman) and have additional children. Was her father passing when he met his second wife, Bella Huff? If so, what was her first reaction to young Jessie? If not, what was her lot in life that she willing took on a black man and his motherless child in the late 1800s? I’ve always wanted to do really extensive work on Jessie Fauset–particularly as part of a PhD dissertation, but I’m rethinking the PhD, so my Fauset-fascination must be temporarily shelved–or must it? Hmm.

Anyway, if you haven’t read anything by Jessie Fauset, you owe it to yourself to check her out. I haven’t even mentioned Plum Bun: A Novel Without a Moral, which is her best known work and, arguably, her best work. It’s also my favorite. Start there.

Neo-Elizabethan Musings.

According to Gmail, I started writing this in December of 2007. I had this (fairly ambitious) idea to write an Elizabethan drama about intra-racism/colorism. This was the beginning. The Piner is the narrator. The heroine is Melaina, a name of Greek origin, which actually means dark or black. Saffronia is her romantic rival. I got that name from Nina Simone’s “Four Women.” The apex of their love triangle is Caleb, a nobleman who is bethrothed to Saffronia but in love with Melaina.

The Piner

She shan’t believe, though it be trusted babble
for in belief may all her dreams unravel.
And yet the kindly courtesans did bare it to the fore:

Melaina

Believest he that fair Saffronia loves him more?
She hath beguiled him so, fluttering her gossamer lashes
and pouting her lips, pressed crimson with the dew of pomegranates.
How can such a girl as I fare well in the minefields of his affection?

I am black, as Solomon’s prize, but no Niger queen am I.
The shadows retreat at my footfall, for I am darker even than they
and more ominous, some would say…
would that my breasts were like twin gazelles
that he would swoon as I neared, fawning as David’s son
would that my eyes shone as emeralds, that he would declare myself his One.

No, even now, he resides e’ermore with she
upon whose pillow he likely fits and stirs
oh, delicious sleep, how I envy you his company!

I loathe the very thought of you, Saffronia,
gilded temptress, yet worthy rival be.
by my word, my caste, and all my adoration
I shall suss out the root of his love for thee.

Later in the narrative, Melaina, completely lovesick, indignantly storms Saffronia’s palace after discovering her households new policy of having all visitor bare their wrists. If their skin is darker than burlap, they are bared entrance. Caleb takes to the window, unaware of Melaina’s business at the palace, but overcome at the sight of her just the same:

Caleb paces at the foot of Saffronia’s bed, where she lay sleeping fitfully.

Caleb
Her gild grows sallower by each languid hour.
How she bores me, this acrid heiress
with no brilliance nor charm to speak of.
Look at her there, lolling about like a slug-
drooling a trail to her likely vapid dreams.
She sparks within me nothing.
Nay, she sparks within me passion,
though she be not my passion’s target.
The citizenry hath quite rightly endorsed her.
She is fair, and of pleasant stock. They are not wrong to herald her thus.
And yet there is something most coarse about her.
She saunters about with an air of virtue unearned,
sniggling at the ribald humor of passing sailors,
baring the bounties of her corset when they should be kept under shawl,
swinging her gates open far too eagerly whene’er I come to call.
I do no more love her than a mare loves its ticks.
(to the window)
But be still, heart. It is the dark jewel Melaina
who pricks men’s souls and peers within.
She-ah, she… must be guarded against,
This stealer of secrets and knower of vice
In what world could I earn her,
whose virtue withstands every barter, any price?

*    *    *

What I’d like to know from you, if you managed to muddle through this, is:
1. Is this any good?
2. Should I resume work on this, over a year later?
3. Could you see this in production?
4. Is the language even remotely believable?

I love Shakespeare, hence the project, but found sustaining a neo-Shakespearean voice really difficult as time wore on. Part of me thinks I should return to this and flesh it out, just to see what comes of it. Another part of me wonders if it was working at all–and without encouragement in either direction, my discipline just… stalled. So if you’ve got feedback, good or bad, I’ll take it, kindly.

Parisienne Top Ten (Plus One).

(in no particular order):

1. When you stop to take pictures of buildings and monuments, Parisian passersby actually halt, on either side of your shot, until they see you lower your camera, content with your photo. They’re so respectful of their own culture and your admiration of it that they pause for you. Those pauses resulted in my ability to get shots like this:

basilique du sacre coeur
basilique du sacre coeur
i loved these little guys, over the doorways of some seemingly important louvre-adjacent building.
i loved these little guys, over the doorways of some seemingly important louvre-adjacent building.

2. Parisians seem to love our president. Whenever someone inquired about our nationality, they’d exclaim, “Barack Obama!” with these huge, impressed grins. One particularly wistful boy named Sam, who was the waiter at our favorite eatery on the last night of our stay, said his dream is to come to America and pursue his professional boxing dreams. He ran down a list of Paris’s flaws, scoffed at his president Nicolas Sarkozy, and ended his merry diatribe with, “I prefer your Barack Obama.”

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