Beyond Baby Mamas: Take a Look.

You wait. You let yourself be carried off with the current. Slacken. Allow it to deliver you back to a shore. It will, when it wills. You open your ears to the cries of others. Seek exits; seek havens. Tell them not to twist; when they’re too weak to tread, surrender. You draw them maps and pray that the course you’ve charted is one that will not change. Be the landmark, the lighthouse, the buoy. Be whatever you can.

I’ve a litany of commands, of guidance. It comes to me in rations, like the drip of an IV. And it repeats. Be the landmark, the lighthouse, the buoy. Be whatever you can.

It’s been exactly two weeks since I launched my new online initiative for single mothers of color, Beyond Baby Mamas. It was just an idea, like the many that flash in my mind every day. But with every day that I move forward in executing it, I realize that its potential is far more vast than I imagined. Even that realization seems inadequate, as I’m fairly certain that I’m not yet aware of all the possibilities for mining that potential.

Here’s what we’ve done so far:

  • Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr pages? Done.
  • YouTube channel? Created.
  • Official website? Formed.
  • Weekly webcasts? Two recorded, one on the way this week.
  • Promotion? Here’s where we need to catch up. So far, we’re relying on word of mouth (and web, so to speak). Our FB page has 81 likes. We have 71 Twitter followers. Six people have subscribed to our YouTube channel, thirteen to our Tumblr. It’s a process.

After this post, you won’t see much about Beyond Baby Mamas posted on this blog. I want to distinguish that online space from this one, so if you want to be kept abreast of what’s up over there, subscribe or follow to that blog. I just want to make sure that anyone and everyone who subscribes to or reads this blog on a regular basis is aware of BBM’s various online presences. Are you connected with us yet? Do you know anyone else who should be? I’d love it if you joined us or let someone else know. Direct anyone who needs to know more about who I am to my BBM bio or more about the initiative itself to our frequently asked questions.

Thanks to everyone who’s helped get the word out, participated in panels, and been generally encouraging. It’s helped so, so much.

Sundays on Auchentoroly.

On Sundays, on a strip of Baltimore City street that spans about two and a half blocks, a crowd gathers. Girls arrayed in carefully-assembled outfits and cascading foreign hair stand along the sidewalk, looking at once giddy and bored. Men on ten-speed and motocross bicycles slowly propel themselves along the other side of the street, taking surreptitious glances over their shoulders, waiting for something unusual to happen. Fathers on foot hoist their sons onto their shoulders in anticipation of spectacular sights. And other children, mostly unaccompanied, dart in and out of the slowly growing crowd for a better view.

It’s Reisterstown Road, where it meets Auchentoroly Terrace: on one side rests sprawling Druid Hill Park, with its pavilions where just a month earlier, before the fall chill settled in, festive balloons and coils of charcoal smoke abounded each weekend. Souped-up Cadillacs and Lincolns with gleaming rims inched along the loop for unauthorized classic car shows.

Deeper into the park sits a sparsely populated “disc golf course”: eighteen near empty holes with rusting chain-link baskets. Today, three men can be seen tossing Frisbees, two white and one lone brother.

It isn’t really a disc golf kind of neighborhood.

Though the chill and drizzle of the day have driven people away from the park’s inside, parked cop cars remain. They are present here whenever people are.

On the other side of the street is a church, Mt. Lebanon Baptist. I went there once, over a decade ago, with a dear high school friend whose grandmother was a member. When we walked through the double-wooden doors after the service, two brothers strolled by, their jeans slung low, their Timbs without spot or blemish.

“Beautiful,” my friend quipped appreciatively, and for a nanosecond, the young men’s stony faces crumpled into vulnerable smiles.

This Sunday, the men along the sidewalk, waiting, remind me of them: guarded, but not immovable.

An engine revs loudly in the distance and the crowd perks up at once. This is what they’ve anticipated. Excessive engine-gunning echoes in the fraught air and, like a bullet, a motorbike shoots down the strip on one wheel. The man on its back is standing. It is, quite possibly, the longest wheelie I’ve ever seen. And it’s being performed on an unblocked street, where regular motorists are carefully making their way by. Soon, an all-terrain vehicle (ATV) follows, also at rapid speed; its driver rises and places one knee on the seat, then the other.

This is the second time I’ve been returning home from a Sunday outing with my two-year-old and my mother and found myself in the thick of an illegal community bike show.

We veer off toward the park itself and ride the loop inside it. A cluster of men on ATVs and motorcycles are sitting at the foot of a hill, looking up toward the action. Their stunts are next. One smokes and looks off in the distance.

No one’s wearing a helmet.

Mom wants to return to Auchentoroly. The mood there is electric. Fathers’ faces are alight; you can practically see them wishing it were them out there at upwards of ninety miles an hour, standing on the backs of bikes and being egged on by an increasingly impressed crowd. But perhaps the prudence of parenthood holds them back–or their fear of a glancing blow from the long-arm of the law.

As Mom circles back, I tell her the cops will break things up before we get back to the street. I can see the lights of a squad car twirling red and blue through our rear window. She says we may have time. We still hear the engines. The men on their bikes are still in their holding pattern at the bottom of a Druid Hill.

Around 1723, Auchentoroly Terrace was owned by a wealthy man named George Buchanan, who wistfully named it after his hometown, Auchentorolie, in Scotland. It consists of nine rows of housing, two mansions, and two duplexes, all facing the south side of Druid Hill Park.

The rowhomes along this strip belie its former splendor. Some residents seem to have worked hard to add varnish and colorful paint to the porches and stoops, but the area at large stands in contrast: in the early 2000s, Druid Hill had one of the highest crime rates of any park in the city.

It’s a ninety percent black community known, in its current state, for little more than a minor ’90s R&B group and a long history of disturbing, often drug-related crime. The highest percentage of its residents max out at high school or less than high school education levels. The median annual salary is a little over $25,500.

It’s a high-stress area. Many neighborhoods in West Baltimore are. But none of that matters this late afternoon, as people congregate on the sidewalks, the engines luring them like the lute of a piper. Their faces show none of the worry or strain they may face back at home tonight or on Monday. The adrenaline courses from the riders into the crowd, and it’s infectious.

As we round a corner, back in plain view of Auchentoroly, we feel the contact high of the thrill-seekers, hoping to catch one more high-stakes stunt, weaving its way through the street’s traffic pattern.

But what we witness instead are six police vehicles, six squad cars and a van, windows down to call out to anyone moving too slowly, lights flashing in sober silence. They are generous enough not to initiate sirens, but it’s hard appreciate that small magnanimity.

Though the racing itself is highly dangerous and obviously illegal, it’s the crowd being herded off the streets by the glacial-paced police cars who appear, to the outside observer, to be the wronged party. The demarcation between Us and Them is never clearer than in moments like these. Even when They are right, We distrust them.

Hood heroes, the men and women who combat poverty, infuse neighborhoods with levity, and who, whenever necessary, mete out swift retribution, do not resemble the ones in our storybooks. They can rarely be found in the personal interest segments of our local news broadcasts. The code that binds them isn’t always in accordance with state law. But without them, daily life can seem infinitely bleaker.

As we rode back up Reisterstown Road, toward the County, we saw countless men walking down toward the show, blissfully unaware that it had already been broken up (or perhaps in anticipation of a second, covert wave of stunts). One father walked slowly next to his son, who sat on a motorized lime-and-white mini-bike, a matching helmet shielding his face, the straps of a backpack slung over his shoulders. He was all of six.

In that moment, “right” was relative. Is it better to contain the mercenary and to drive the demoralized people back into their homes–in the name of safety and orderly conduct–or should we adapt our approach? Can the talents of the risk-bearing riders be groomed rather than criminalized? Can we make what is hazardous less so with community grants and nonprofit savvy rather than handcuffs and wrap sheets?

Is there any middle ground between Us and Them?

I have seen the result of a man’s life whose talents go unacknowledged or devalued, whose passions are unchecked or ignored, whose hopes are contested and unexplored.

He ambles through the world with sliding feet and curved shoulders, as though, at every turn, the silent lights of an invisible cruiser are trailing.

Statistics Are Not Our Stories.

I don’t know why other women do it. I can’t say what keeps them out of the pharmacy within 120 hours of conception. I don’t know why they don’t choose the clinic? It’s unclear what makes them believe: in the strength of their relationships, in their capacity for quick maturation or increased earning potential, in the rightness of what they feel taking root, that warm fleshy oblong, unformed but undeniable. To be sure, there are many unmarried mothers of color, but I cannot imagine the myriad narratives that motivated their choice. To speculate would be more than presumptuous; it would be damaging.

The numbers don’t provide that insight. Whenever I hear new ones, issued in press releases, then disseminated like handfuls of grain, before spreading unchecked like weeds, like root rot, I imagine the underpaid census-takers, the overtaxed academics being pressured to publish work on issues that go under-explored, the grad students who need to lend their theses gravitas. Did they ask the right questions? Were we breath and bone to them or just data to add to their infographics?

Could they hear our exhaustion as we answered? Yes, single. Yes, black. Yes, 30-35. Yes, under 18. One child, three. Two fathers, both involved. One father, an apparition. Did they know we could already sense the collective tsk-tsking of a nation, as they scribbled their survey findings into the blank spaces of forms on clipboards?

Does it matter what they know? Is it significant that we love our daughters or sons more than each other, that we pool our paychecks to protect them from the blight of poverty, if not the category of it, and that most days we succeed? Would it skew the data if they realized that when we go to bed at 2 am, with a near-primal ache in our joints and a day’s worth of worry to quell, we don’t put ourselves to sleep by contemplating bygone outcomes which do not include having children?

Do they know we do not deny that there are women who find ways to cull more than a fair share of the assistance that government subsidies offer? Do they understand how reticent we are to declare that those women “make us look bad”–or that they are themselves “bad?” We do not know them. We do not know their stories.

Do they wonder at all what the thousands of families who qualify for TANF but decline it do to stretch their earnings? Do they get how injurious the very thought of being labeled can be, how criticism can haunt so deeply it can cause us to refuse the food in an open palm, even when we’re truly hungry?

Have they asked how often we hear, “Well, that’s your problem.” and “You shouldn’t done xyz if you didn’t want to hear about it?” Do they know who-all has offered unsolicited, retrospective advice about our bodies and about the legitimacy of our love? “You should’ve closed your legs. You should’ve gotten confirmation of his commitment with a ring and a signature.”

These are the longer narratives. They cannot be fully considered in 140 characters. When they are truncated, there is too much lost in translation–though, if we’re honest, they’re often delivered in a dialect few people have interest in learning.

We still try to communicate. We are loose-lipped about our struggles. We co-opt others’ conclusions. We internalize the criticism and publicly concede that the dynamics of our families are, indeed, unfortunate. When they knock with their clipboards, we still open our doors.

But their numbers are not our stories. We are our stories. And only in telling them fully can we change the condition of our communities. Only in offering each other a bit of the light we’ve found on the roads down which we travel can we see all the newly paved routes to better destinations.

It is through conversation, not calculation or criticism, that we learn to identify with one another.

Join me tonight, as I begin that conversation. Each week, I’ll be hosting a live webcast called Beyond Baby Mamas: Conversations with Single Mothers of Color, which will feature a different invited guest panel and field viewers questions and comments. Our premiere episode will begin live-streaming on Google Hangouts On Air at 6:30 PM EST. We’ll be talking statistics, stereotypes, and personal stories. Subscribe to our YouTube channel to catch any conversations you miss. And join our online community on Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr.

Beyond Baby Mamas: Conversations with Single Mothers of Color.

This Thursday marks the premiere of my brand new, experimental web broadcast, Beyond Baby Mamas: Conversations with Single Mothers of Color.

Beyond Baby Mamas will aim to address some of the issues I’ve discussed on my blog over the past two years, from building a child-rearing “village” to tackling different stages of child development to challenging commonly held assumptions about what it means to be a single mother of color in America. Each week, I’ll welcome a new panel of women of various backgrounds and experiences to share their opinions, expertise, and/or personal stories. Every broadcast will focus on a different topic. This week’s theme is Statistics Are Not Our Stories: Confronting Public Perceptions of Minority Single Motherhood.

The discussion will begin LIVE on Thursday, September 20 at 6:30pm EST. Join us then at Google Hangouts On Air. In the meantime, I’d love it if you bookmarked this page, joined our Facebook community, and spread the word! We’ll be taking on-air questions via Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook. And if you’d like to be considered as a guest on an upcoming panel, contact me at stacialbrown at gmail dot com for more information.

Jump at De Sun.

You have unassailable rhythm. This is a characteristic we noticed, even before you began to develop fine motor skills. You were three months old, and you could hit a drum with a mallet. You could keen your ear to cadences. The small cymbals of a tambourine shook under the strike of your infant palm. You hummed melodies before your mouth could form the ovals and planes necessary to pronounce lyrics.

Like so many children, you possess a raw musicality, a boundless curiosity in all instrumentation. But I also see an inkling of discipline in you, a commitment to practice quite unusual in two-year-olds. It is the rare day that passes without you asking to play your great-nana’s electric piano. Once you’re lifted onto the stool, it is difficult to coax you down. The praise you receive is too rapturous; the power you feel when the pads of your fingers elicit a chord is too intoxicating. We know that, if allowed, you would stay there for more than an hour as long as we were also there to laud you.

As your mother, it is my imperative to nurture this quality in you, even as it awes and unsettles me. My charge is to propel you toward each zenith for which you’re brave enough to press, while also making myself a nonjudgmental net to catch you when you fall. I mustn’t betray too colossal an expectation, too devastating a disappointment. Your pursuits are your own. Any joy or sorrow I feel as you set forth is mine to manage.

Increasingly, I am coming to understand the act of mothering as a cultivation of temperance. It is a holding-in-check of our most outsized expectations, a delicate calibration of all that we want for our children, all that they are capable of achieving, and all the moments when we each will need to accept a reality that resembles none of those possibilities.

But darling, you make this temperance difficult. How can I filter these bright beams of expectation when you glow so incandescently with promise? How can I allow you field of grass-skipping girldom, when with each day, you invent new reasons for me to spur you toward the sun?

It isn’t easy to wait for the coming years to unfurl themselves like a story quilt and reveal how you’ll evolve. But I will not anger God (or you) by rushing time. Its glacial inching is a grace. I will sip you slowly and relish each talent expanding. My every affirmation will be liberally and patiently seeded. I will make it my aim to know who you are, at any given moment, rather than to trouble us both over all the wondrous things I imagine you’ll become.

Stacia L. Brown on HuffPost Live! Sept. 7, 12:50 pm EST!

Apologies, friends. I’ve got to make a temporary departure from thoughtful, decently crafted posts to geek out for a moment.

I’M GONNA BE ON THE NEWLY LAUNCHED HUFFPOST LIVE TOMORROW!!!

excelsior!

Excuse the all caps, but this is pretty wild.

A little over two months ago, I wrote this. And this afternoon I got an email inviting me to discuss black mental health on HuffPost Live tomorrow, Sept. 7 at 12:50pm. It’s a twenty-minute segment, hosted by Marc Lamont Hill, and I’m really honored to have been asked.

It isn’t just the show (although that’s an amazing opportunity); it’s about what it represents for me.

2012 has been a crazy year. I started it by stating that I had expectations for it. I don’t often do that, make grand declarations at the top of a year, prognosticating a favorable future and actually hoping I’m right. But I did it this year. And, if God wills, I’ll keep being right.

From May until the end of August, I was a daily contributor at Clutch magazine, which led to my work being republished at The Root and, one dizzying time, at Salon. Needless to say, my visibility as a writer increased, which has always been one of the deeper desires of my heart. It’s a heady, blissful sensation, working really hard on a piece of writing and watching it land with a large cross-section of people. But I’ve always stopped short of pursuing the “brass ring” kind of opportunities. National mag pitches. Spec TV/film script pitching. The aggressive pursuit of a book sale. Speaking engagements. Personal branding.

It’s been too easy for me to psych myself out, to tell myself the market’s oversaturated and too many people are already doing work similar to the kind I do. Or I’m not as good or as smart as I want to believe I am (good enough, smart enough). Or I’m going to be eviscerated by critics. Or the audience I court will find me patently underwhelming. I’ve always been afraid to cast my wings toward the sun, for fear of singeing them, of falling. (See my previously-written faith issues.)

Concurrent with those issues, though, my ideas about possibility and self-worth and self-acceptance have been expanding. It’s the kind of work you should ideally do in your teens and twenties, and work that some women (and men, really) count themselves blessed to accomplish at all. My work began when I had my daughter. I started believing I could inhabit a much larger space than that which I’ve allowed myself till now, because I’ve promised her as much for herself, and in order for her to trust me, she has to see me do it. But believing and bulldozing the cement walls are different endeavors.

Coming up with an approach to the latter remained a mystery.

Sometimes the approach finds you.

This is probably the first year of my decade-plus career as a writer that people have sought me out to write or to discuss things I’ve written, rather than me frantically searching for outlets willing to publish me. And more than any other time in my life, my work has been resonating with a large cross-section of readers, people from different walks of life, people with wildly divergent philosophies, people who I wouldn’t have ever imagined taking notice of the work I do. It’s also been met with far more criticism than it’s been before (in part because it’s been more widely published). And I’ve had ideas. Oh, the ideas. Grand, sprawling, lavish, daring ideas, which for the first time ever, I feel capable of implementing.

All these experiences have converged at just the right moment. It’s the moment I’m finally, mercifully prepared to handle them.

At any rate, if you can, tune in to HuffPost Live tomorrow at 12:50pm EST and watch the 20-min panel discussion on mental health in the black community. I’ll be there.

Answer the Wind: Notes on the Democratic National Convention

dnc

In this country, some woods still howl; I’ve heard them. You need only venture South, to a city where the work of Ida B. Wells still looms large in the hearts of so many haunted families. Stand in the ruddy dirt of a clearing, let the fire ants seep between the straps of your sandals and nip your skin, wait for the trees to bear witness. Someone died there.

It’s a safe assumption that, as the white man who killed him kicked free the wood slab that had staved off the noose, the vision quickly dimming in that dying man’s eyes was not of a diverse and well-heeled audience, promising him that everything he wanted for his children would come to pass. It was not of Latino twins from Texas whose mother’s work as a domestic cleared their path to plush seats in Southern politics. It was not of a brother-governor openly voicing his displeasure with his white predecessor without the threat of violent consequence. And it was certainly not of a black president, his brilliant Chicago-bred wife, and their two elegant, well-educated girls who speak of fear, not through the life-or-death lens of racial animus, but only as it relates to the demise of their healthy home life.

No, what was far more likely flickering before the eyes of the man — swinging, gagging, slackening in the clearing where you can still hear his howls –was a cluster of sneering faces: eyes absent apology, their drunken drawls rising loudly in the whorls of their oil-torch embers: “There goes one less nigger with his hand out, one less mouth we’ve got to pay to support, one less mind that dares to dream beyond its station. We are one step closer to getting our country back. We own this.”

Depending on the decade of his death, he may have left this world without much expectation that this crime against him would someday be avenged or that there’d ever be a day when this kind of existence became abnormal for men who looked like him. He would’ve hoped, but not hard enough to envision so many faces similar to his own in positions of congressional power, not high enough to hear the voice of a remarkably accomplished woman extolling a black family’s hard work and high debt as virtues and vices capable of yielding them not just their own plot of land, but the highest office in the land.

As he hung there dying, here are the ideas that would’ve been easier for him to apprehend: a digital effigy of the first black first lady’s face superimposed on a topless slave’s body; the existence and froth-mouthed intensity of the Tea Party; the willful ignorance of Birthers; a presidential candidate so entitled and unwilling to relate to the people he hopes to govern that he and his staunchest supporters consider themselves benevolent when they offer to relieve us of our hardearned rights.

If ever you find yourself in those woods that howl, answer the wind. Tell all the voices of our restless ancestries that, though our generation remains far more similar to theirs than we’d hoped, we exist in a realm far beyond any they could imagine. Race still matters so much more than it should — and, on occasion, in ways that can still get you killed. But we are freer than we were, we understand that we are not free enough, and today, we have so many more means to defend our liberty on the countless occasions when it’s challenged. Assure them that when they see us rejoicing it is not because their sacrifices have been absorbed and gradually forgotten. There will always be those among us who volunteer to tote the barge of history and remind others of the vast indignities for which we have yet to atone. We rejoice because we have the wisdom to know that the power to affect real change — however fleeting or illusory or jeopardized — is still possible for people like us to wield. Tell them, come November, when we cast our unsuppressed votes, it is their hearts we’ll be holding in our hands.

Buy a Broadside, Support a Family.

2012 has been a banner year for StaciaLBrown.com. Per-post readership and blog subscriptions have increased exponentially, and feedback from readers has been affirming and overwhelmingly positive. I’d like to thank everyone who regularly or occasionally visits this site for their continued support. I hope what you’ve read here has been encouraging, thought-provoking, inciting, or inspiring in some way. This is ever my aim.

I’ve decided to embark on something of a social experiment, born of necessity (which seems ever prepared to prove to me that it is, indeed, the mother of invention) and of self-promotion. These tend to be areas of great discomfort for me. It’s difficult to be candid about what you need (money!) and to ask for it without apology or shame. It’s even more difficult — at least for me — to say: my work is worthy of what I’m asking. I am good enough at what I do to expect fair compensation. You’d be surprised at how often this simple confession of self-worth has remained caught in my throat.

Right now, I’d be deeply appreciative if you’d place a pre-order for a broadside via the PayPal link below. As is the case with so many families right now, particularly single-parent families, freelance-income families, and start-of-the-school-year-pre-first-paycheck adjuncting families, funds here are very limited. Purchasing a broadside today would make a big difference for us.

Until now, I’ve offered all of my blog content for free, without making any attempt to monetize my online content. That will continue to be the case at this site.

But in addition to the continued labor of love I’ll be doing here, providing longtime supporters and new readers with thoughtful, carefully crafted work on a bimonthly (or more) basis, I’m proud to announce that, for a short time, I’ll be offering limited edition poetry and prose broadsides for sale. Each broadside will feature a self-portrait-as-watermark and a piece of original writing, much of which has been featured here in some form. They will be numbered and signed. My hope and intent is that, in forthcoming years, they will become collector’s items.

The following are preview images, purposely altered so as not to be duplicated:

“Gleaning”: a poem, available in 8″x10″ cardstock b&w, limited run of 25 for $15 each
“Missions”: a poem, available in 8″x10″ cardstock b&w, limited run of 25 copies, $15 each
“Sloughing”: a poem, available in 8″x10″ b&w, limited run of 25 copies for $15 each
“Trapeze”: a poem, available in 8″x10″ b&w, limited run of 25 copies for $15 each
“Lovesick”: a prose-poem, available in 8″x10″ b&w, limited run of 25 at $20 each

The “Lovesick” title was previously published here as a blog entry. If this run of broadsides goes well, I would love to offer any of my previously published blog posts as a customized, autographed prints upon request. If there’s content here that you particularly enjoy or value, please consider requesting that I make it part of my next limited run.

Each of these currently offered titles will be shipped via USPS first class mail. Add $4.00 to the total cost of your purchase before submitting your order via the PayPal link below. Pre-orders are being accepted now. Orders placed this week will ship on Monday, September 10, 2012. For orders placed after September 10, please allow 10-14 business days following your order date for delivery.

 

 

The Name: On Managing Long-Distance Fatherhood.

Over our bed hangs a picture of a Buffalo Soldier standing alone on a plain as a herd of bison clops its hooves in the distance. His face, leathered and lined, is grim but his eyes dance with premonition. He sees a country that will eventually open its arms and its institutions to his children and theirs. Nana hung the framed print in this room when it was just an extra lodging space for overnight guests. It was there long before my mother, the baby, and I moved in, long before I placed our daughter’s crib in storage and began to nightly curl myself around her, like an open parenthesis, in the twin bed beneath it.

After a few months of sleeping under the gilded plain and the buffalo herd and the stoic uniformed black man who my grandmother thinks is handsome, I forgot the picture was there. There were too many other focal points, not least of which were our gangly toddler’s limbs, as they struck at my organs in the night: her tiny heel an arrowhead prodding the skin over my spleen, her elbow a bony thorn in my side.

There were also the boxes, the books, the closets that were not wholly ours, all the nooks into which we’d slid every toy or folder or tote we’d carried in from the Midwestern life we left behind. There was the night air, as clingy and thick as the breath under surgical masks, and the sweat the bedsheets seemed to drink when we tossed and turned.

Somewhere in all these months of adjustment, as the picture was becoming invisible to me, it was morphing into something else for our child.

It was becoming you.

I can’t quite remember the first time I noticed this or under what circumstance she first looked up at the Buffalo Soldier and pointed. But indeed, she cast a gaze toward him, filled with adoration and pride. Then she turned to me and, with a voice so guileless and questioning I still tear up when I really consider it, she called your name.

“Dad-nee?”

It was a sucker punch, really, the pain only acute because it was so unexpected.

I was quick to recover that day, as we often are in the moments after something unnerves us and in the months before we’re able to fully process it. “No, sweetheart,” I tried to explain, placing a palm on her cheek, “That’s not Daddy.”

But she chose to hear only her echo. “Dadnee?”

“No, sweetie. Not Daddy.”

She shrugged and I stretched my lips into some small approximation of a grin. We had reached an understanding–or so I thought. But in the months to follow, you became more real to her, over our heads, and regardless of anyone’s protestations, her confidence that it was you in the uniform, fearless in the foreground of a stampede scene.

But this wasn’t the only place she saw you. At times, you were the front door, when she was in distress. She’d run to it, willing you to bound through and rescue her from a scolding. “Dad-nee?” she’d call, just loudly enough to be heard on the other side. You were in the couch cushions in the living room, when she burrowed into the crevices and recalled you sprawling there on your last visit. “Dad-nee?” she’d whisper into the olive grosgrain. And when she clapped her hands to her ears, and I followed suit, when she touched her fingertips to her forehead and watched me mimic her, she’d drop her hands, remembering the last time you did the same with her via Skype. “Dad-nee…” she’d murmur wistfully.

Neither you nor I could’ve expected it to happen this soon, and often, when I tell you it has, I sense that you may doubt me. But our daughter, barely conversant, with her lexicon of less than 100 words, is already articulating her need for you.

Because we have cultivated a relationship in which you are neither entirely absent nor entirely present, she is adapting by calling out to you in places where and at times when you cannot hear her. Improbable places. Unexpected times. Every instance bears out a different response in me: here, worry that she wants to escape me; there, an errant swell of inadequacy; now, a surge of anger that strikes hot and fast and quells itself just as quickly; then, an empathetic prescience borne of my own father-pining in the past.

But more than anything else, I feel studious–for in those moments, our daughter goes from girl to apotheosis of worship. I watch her call for you in the way that I should call out to God: as Father, as rescuer, as present when He cannot be seen.

This is the incarnation of God I understand the least. I have only been able to view fatherhood through the lens of my relationship with my own. It is amiable, it is deeply important, but it is also inconsistent. We talk, but not too often. We love one another intensely but don’t always find occasion to express it. We see ourselves in the other, but do not always know how to bridge the canyons of difference.

It is easier, then, for me to know God as a sovereign. It’s simpler to accept Him as a comforter, a confidante, a friend. When I talk to him, “Father,” is not the first name I think to call Him.

But our girl is teaching me what it is to feel confident that the heart of a father is always near, even when others feel uncertain, even when they’re trying to convince he is not who or where she thinks he is.

May she always remain in a space so clear, and may we never hesitate to join her.

The Antithesis of Faith.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. — Hebrews 11:1

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God. — Psalm 42:11

1.

The grocery cart is an ice floe, every row of overpriced food an isle to be sailed past without much autonomy. To be underemployed is to live without oars; I turn where the tide and the wind allow. Often, I think of You as the Wind: favorable, then fierce, and at times, capricious. This is difficult to admit as my eyes glaze over at the cost of four quarters of butter, as I grip the cart’s handle in abject panic, as I calculate the total in my head. In those moments, I do not want to feel tossed or untethered or tested. I do not want You to be as impossible to grasp as a gale.

For so many other believers, You wouldn’t be. For them, when there is too little left to budget, You become the multiplier of fishes and loaves. Right there, in the long stretch of frozen meals, You fill their hearts with manna. For them, You’d become a testimony bellowed into a microphone, echoing through a revival tent: It was only at my poorest that I learned You own the cattle on a thousand hills! It was only when my own hand was empty that I could accept the provision in Yours.

I am supposed to sing a reassuring song about the physics of faith (when praises go up, blessings come down).

But this is not where I live.

It isn’t that I don’t believe. I do. Of course I do. It is a logical step for those who create to believe that things much larger than themselves have also been created. And it is necessary for those who understand guilt to believe in the work of atonement. I feel ill at ease imagining a life over which I must assume totalitarian control and sicker still at the thought that whenever and wherever we die, our stories end. No, doubt has rarely been the deterrent.

2.

Every once in a while, we went hungry. Those were the lonely years, when we lived in an oversized and underfurnished house, and the congregants of our church considered my family to be spiritual stalwarts: the husband, pious and devoted; the wife, fiery and dynamic; the daughter, creative, aloof. For them, we were emblems, were ministers. For them, we were a comfort, a mirage of peace and safety when, in their own homes, destruction felt imminent.

But they never knew how often our home felt combative, despite the absence of physical aggression, how at the sound of the husband’s ticking engine in the driveway, the daughter crept into in the darkness of her room on the third floor. They wouldn’t have understood the way she stared at the pacing shadows, two dark and darting foot-falls, scuttling like rodents and obscuring the yellow slit of light from the hall. They couldn’t have imagined what it was to feel imprisoned by someone else’s prayer or how it could throw into turmoil the daughter’s concept of who You were.

The husband would leave within a year of those last instances, when he took to praying in tongues outside the daughter’s door as though he was an asylum guard in charge of a girl possessed, and when he called her out of that room once to ask if she was “bringing evil into his house.” These were the last of many years they’d spent locked in an epic battle, each round fought when her mother wasn’t home, each accusation a dagger, a wound, a scar that would, in some small way, shape the woman she would become.

Before he left, from time to time, he would neglect to buy food for three. He ate at home less and so did the mother and daughter. The contents of cupboards would thin; the shelves of the fridge emptied. It was preparation for the months to come, when the daughter would begin to support herself and the mother with the money from her work-study checks and her summer jobs in retail and reception.

The mother would tell the daughter that You sent her home after college to help her through the divorce. And the daughter believed. For four long years, she believed–just as she’d secretly wondered, after hours of listening to her stepfather’s prayers, if she had, inadvertently, brought evil into their home.

They’d each seemed so confident.

This is, I suppose, what happens when some children come to know You through their parents. It begins as a tangential acquaintanceship; we understand that we need to know You but let our parents do most of the talking. We trust their instincts, their judgment. It never gets personal until it needs to, until we need You–but by then, we’re struck by our own uncertainty of who You really are.

Are You a God who believes our enemy when he insinuates that we should be exorcised? Are You a God who plans our purpose and only reveals it to people other than us? Or are You the other things we imagine You are: mind-reader, romantic, redeemer, refuge, lighted path?

3.

It began as an atom, a nodule of resistance nestling inside me like a pebble at the base of a well. I didn’t feel it, even after I sensed it growing, never acknowledged it as I scrawled small notes onto church bulletins or wept openly, not over Your goodness but because You were so chatty with others and impossibly silent with me.

When I tell the story of how I became a single mother, I do not start it here, with the atom. But these are the particles inside it: a profession of faith at the age of eight; a number of folks advising me of the various ways I should let You use me; modest clothes and earnest gestures, tepid prayers; a semblance of sound morality; the realization that most of my faith felt merely mimicked, followed by a waning trust in others who insist that they’re speaking on your behalf.

No. Indeed, doubt was never the deterrent. The antithesis of faith, for me, has always been hopelessness.

I felt the least hope when I believed You’d decided You would only tell others what I needed to do with my life. I waited to hear You say that I’d finished fulfilling Your promise to my mother, that I was free to go discover the other things You’d placed me here to do. But with every year that passed, this pardon seemed less plausible. Maybe it wouldn’t be me You told at all, but my mother. Maybe You’d sent the message and I missed because I didn’t know the sound of Your voice. Maybe I’d never know it. Maybe there was no voice, but only the bible, and all this time, I should’ve been decoding that for answers.

It wasn’t even not knowing. It was the fear that I’d never know, that I’d been betrayed or duped or terribly misguided, that I still am. It was when, every time I tried articulating any of this, all I got in return was, “Did you pray about it?”

There’s a desperation, a terror, in the idea that the God of my fathers (and mothers) is all that there is. Who You are to them is not who I need You to be, for me. But for the longest time, who You were to them was all I believed You could be.

And this is how I came to make a few choices of my own: a master’s degree, a teaching career, a well-intentioned courtship turned secular, and several years later, the baby, the hunger, the jobs that pay pennies, the re-turning of my face toward the Wind.

It’s still true I do not like being tossed and that, despite our long history, confidence in Your intent to rescue me isn’t my first response to hardship. I am still working hard to maintain hope, to believe in the unheard as well as the unseen. But if this is who You are, I will not resist the gusts. May they carry me closer to You, may I glimpse Your face in the dust that dances up and stings the eyes. Be the gale, and I will be Your feather. Be my reinvention, and I will teach my daughter to know You for herself.